The Guilty Gringo

There’s only one week left in Trinidad and, naturally, I’m feeling a bit emotional about our impending departure.  Peace Corps is one of those rare experiences in life (for a million reasons) but mainly because throughout the entire experience you always know when it’s going to end, down to the date.  The first few months in country it seems impossible that you can make it 27 months but eventually there are more months behind you than there are ahead and you start thinking about packing up and leaving.  Not to mention the fact that our departure date has been sped up by 3 months.  How can it already be time to leave when in some ways it feels like we just got here?

Don’t get me wrong – I am looking forward to coming home to the States.  I miss my family and friends, familiar places, and all the luxuries of life in the US.  But I also have this nagging feeling that has been building for a while.  Peace Corps says that the crime level is out of control and volunteers are in danger so we must retreat back to the safety of our own country, but what about the innocent people of our town who just want to live in peace?  In the past few weeks we’ve heard several Trinitecos say, “If I had a visa then I’d be out of here too!”  I can’t help but feel guilty that we can just leave when things get too rough when none of our Honduran friends have that option.

I’m also dreading saying our goodbyes, in general, but specifically to a couple of people who we have become rather close with.  My closest friend, Lourdes, who is like an aunt to us, took us in on Christmas and New Year’s Eve (when all other Hondurans are with family) and is now inviting us over to dinner every night.  The other day she fought back tears while asking me how she could go about sending me things to the States.  I thought she meant a card or letters but she said, “What about when I want to send you tamales, or homemade bread, or coffee?”

There are tons of things that I won’t miss about Honduras – our house that never seems clean, enormous spiders, lack of food variety, just to name a few – but this place has been our home for the past 2 years.  We definitely lacked many of the creature comforts of home but we also enjoyed a lot of freedoms that we didn’t have in the States, like being able to eat breakfast together every day.  It’s also been really nice not having the pressure to buy the newest things, wear the trendiest clothes, or go on the most exotic vacations.  Of course, I’m looking forward to having some new things again but after seeing with my own eyes the poverty that some people in the world live in, that guilty feeling creeps up again.

I know this is a struggle that all Peace Corps volunteers face at the end of their service.  I also know that over time the readjustment will become easier, but after living here I can’t feign ignorance anymore.  So the question becomes: how do we take what we’ve learned here and continue (trying) to make a difference in the world while still living a “normal” American life?  I have a feeling that one’s going to take a while to figure out.